WiseGal

  “Worldly and frivolous thoughts, stay here at the door until I return.” St. Francis of Assisi Oh venerable Saint Francis, I ask for all humility, peace, and love through your intercession. I especially ask for your help in obtaining the sublime contemplation you so exquisitely displayed. Through harmony with God and nature, I wish to be completely and utterly lost in the present moment, not to give into distractions or my ever-wandering imagination. Help me, sweet brother Francis, by your intercession and through the immaculate hands of Mary, that I may become ever more conformed to the person of Jesus Christ. I love how you love. Help me emulate that same love in my everyday life. To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen. Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love, Where there is injury, pardon, Where there is doubt, faith, Where there is despair, hope, Where there is darkness, light, And where there is sadness, joy. Oh Divine ...

Pitch black. I feel the walls on every side of me, above me, and below me. I’ve been trapped before, but it seems like the walls have grown taller, more dense, more suffocating. I start punching and kicking my way out. And as I kick, I grow, until I’ve become too big for the box to contain. I don’t fit inside your box anymore. I never did, but now it’s clear to you.

Being a stay-at-home parent was, without a doubt, one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Now during this time of quarantine, my husband still leaves the house for work everyday. I am back in this place again, with all of the isolation it brings and the feeling of wanting some breathing room. It’s as if God is telling me, “Face this.”

“Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, And those who humble themselves will be exalted…” I am at such a loss. I can never seem to maintain that spirit of fervor I so arrogantly boast of having. I am at a loss. And maybe that’s the point. I’ve been praying the Litany of Humility again. It’s one of my favorites, but every now and then I fall off the wagon of praying it regularly. I pray it once a week so as to be consistent, but not overwhelm myself. Humility, after all, doles out a severe blow, against ego, against false self-perception, and against the idea that we are in control.

“The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.” Matt 7:25 It’s easy to feel out of control, to feel not so sure of things, now more than ever. Yet God’s peace triumphs. While I shelter in place, it is as if I am watching the wind deal out blow after blow, issuing chaos to everything it touches. Still, I feel that firm rock beneath my feet, holding me steady.

I don’t need to tell you how the news cycle has been. The last ten days have been nothing short of chaotic and unpredictable. Me? I’m not usually one to buy into hysterics. Aside from a couple of extra purchases and maybe a little anxiety (brought on more so by global panic than by the actual threat of virus, I’m sure), my family and I had been continuing business as usual. We continued to go to work. The kids continued to go to school. And we continued to go to the grocery store as often as we usually do.

Hubble Extreme Deep Field. Every spot in this image is a galaxy. Credit NASA. Consider the vastness of the Universe. It stretches to infinity, containing countless superclusters of billions of galaxies. Somewhere in that ever expanding, boundless universe, is a trifle called the Milky Way galaxy. In that galaxy, is a diminutive fleck we call the Sun. And revolving around that Sun is an indistinct scintilla of a grain called Earth, on which, billions of minuscule human beings live but for a brief period of time before being extinguished from existence, having had no bearing on the universe at large. For all anyone knows, we never even existed at all.

Writer's Note: I know I fell off the bandwagon in failing to update, but I had a trying couple of weeks. I decided to just post this one already. I've had it sitting on my computer for several weeks and have been unable to really tie up the loose ends. My apologies. I'll be working on better content soon. Here's to starting anew for 2020! People often ask me why I want to help criminal defendants. It’s really easy for me to get up on my high horse and remind them of what Jesus said: “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.” Matt 9:12. The truth is, I wish I could love them more. I can feel where my capacity for love reaches its limit. Sometimes I don’t have answers for them. I can’t snap my fingers and give them what they desperately want: to see their children, to see their loved ones, to be able to live a truly free life.

The star of Bethlehem is dense with meaning. It inspires wonder and mystery. But most of all, as illuminated as it was, it sought only to draw attention to the light of Christ.