My Story

In order to fully understand where I’m coming from, you should read about where I’ve been.

This is my story so far.

I was raised by two devout Catholics, one a convert from atheism, the other a walking miracle. Even as a child, I remember questioning how true it all was, the Catholic faith. After all, there are plenty of people who are equally convinced of their own different religions. However, having devout parents means being exposed to more religious experiences from a very young age.

While I was in middle school and high school, I suffered from depression and anxiety and struggled with my faith in God. Despite my mother's miraculous healing from an incurable illness, my father's complete conversion, and my own knowledge of having prayers answered, I wasn't sure if there really was a God. Intellectually, I thought it made sense, but I couldn't feel Him. I believed with my head, but not with my heart.

During my sophomore year of high school, I attended a youth retreat. On the second night, they had prayer groups. I approached one group and asked for them to pray over me, just as I had done countless times before. They laid their hands on me and prayed over me. I still didn't feel anything. I had spent the past year trying my best to function as best I could, but the emptiness I felt inside was vast. I felt purposeless, meaningless, like I could die and no one would care. My intellect is what kept me alive. Intellect without spirit is lonely though.

After receiving prayer, I sat down by myself feeling disappointed. I looked around and could see others deeply affected by their prayer experiences. Yet I was sitting alone, without feeling: no spiritual feeling, and barely any physical feeling. I had tried to connect with God. I really gave it my best shot. Up to that point, I had gone to numerous retreats and conferences. I had prayed and prayed and prayed only to feel like all of my pleadings were falling on deaf ears. I wrestled with my faith so much only to achieve so little. I decided I was done. I'm not going to try anymore. I told God, "if You don't do something, You are going to lose me."

Just writing that sentence makes me feel sick.

I started to feel tears slowly fill up my eyes. But I fought against it, not wanting to give into emotion like everyone around me. The tears came again. And again I held them back. The tears came a third time and I lost control. Instantly, my depression was gone, like I was crying out all of the anguish I had kept inside. I could feel more than I had ever been able to feel before, like a chemical change had taken place. The emptiness was gone. It was like waking up from a nightmare. Everything looked more vibrant, and sounded more clear, more beautiful, felt more real. I remember feeling like someone must have been praying for me at that moment, but I didn't know who. Years later, I found out. But that’s a story for another day.

From that moment on, my intellectual belief in God was outweighed by my spiritual faith in Him. Yes, I do have a great deal of physical evidence for the existence of God, but that's not why I believe in Him. I believe because I feel Him guiding my every step. He is a part of me; He created me. I am more certain of Him than I am of my own flesh.

If you feel the way I used to, I understand your brokenness. You suffer quietly and the world pays no mind. People take no interest in your talents or the gifts you have to offer. But just know that if you are looking for answers and you stumbled upon this page, it was not by coincidence. The Lord Himself guided you here to tell you: Do not give up! You do have more to offer this world. He takes notice of you and has plans for you beyond your wildest dreams.

How do I know?

Because I've been there. I tried to do things my way for far too long, leading to nothing but wasted time. While I was in college, I met people who placed such trust in God's plan, that I was truly flabbergasted. If ever there were a time to use that word, this is it. I couldn't believe a person could be so brave. Yet, their trust proved God's faithfulness. He always came through, sometimes in the most unexpected ways. I learned one of the most important things through them, trust in whatever God wants. Even if it makes no sense and sounds completely insane, you take that leap of faith. God will catch you every time.

Halfway through college, I started to feel for the first time in my life, the desire to become a lawyer. While it was never a career I saw for myself previously, I started to realize how it fit my personality and my inborn skills. I started studying for the LSATs so that I could start law school the following year. Yet, I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach, telling me I shouldn't go. I ignored it and continued to study for hours every day. On the morning of the exam, as I was driving through an unfamiliar area, I hit another car. I would be late for the exam. It wasn't meant to be.

I was sure that God had something better in mind. Shortly after graduating college, while talking with my parents, my dad asked me, "Are you sure you don't want to go to law school?" I responded with uncertainty. The next day, however, I attended weekday mass. It turned out to be St. Thomas More's feast day, the patron saint of lawyers. The priest spent the entire homily talking about how the world needs good Catholic lawyers.

Messaged received, Lord.

I had a year off between college and law school, which turned out to be a great blessing. During that year, I met my husband. Had I done things my way, I would have gone to law school immediately after college and missed out on meeting my soulmate. That car accident on the day of the LSATs was not the end of my dreams; it was the beginning of something greater than my dreams.

Many other things took place that confirmed God leading me to become a lawyer, but those are unimportant for the purpose of this story. Law school was riddled with milestones, not least of which was marriage. And then motherhood. And shortly later, graduation. I graduated a little over a month after giving birth and began studying for the bar exam. Since this is getting pretty long, I'll just cut to the chase. I failed the exam.

I also didn't have a job, which really didn't bother me because I had my child. By the time he was eight months old, I was pregnant again. I passed the bar a couple months later and almost a year after graduating law school, I was sworn in to practice law. Priorities shifted around as I prepared to welcome my second child into the world. My job search had reached a halt as I needed time to recover from two back-to-back pregnancies.

Months passed and I was coming up on my second year since graduating law school. I was really starting to wonder what God was up to. It had been so clear up to that point. I was determined to practice law now and I felt that I should start my own law firm. In order to get clients, I reached out to various firms and offices. It took months for me to finally be offered a volunteer opportunity. Over the next several months, I volunteered at the public defender’s office twice a week. I wasn’t getting paid, but for the first time in two and a half years, I was back in the courtroom. I was happy to wet my feet before diving in.

I learned a great deal while there, but in the end, I wouldn’t be able to receive clients through that office. I prayed a lot about what I should do and sensed that my time there had reached its conclusion, which brings me here.

Thank you for being here and reading about my journey. I pray it brings you hope and reignites your own faith in God. He knows what He’s doing. Trust Him.

As for me, we’ll just have to wait and see where else He sends me.

To God be the Glory!